Lost

Stay hard on the outside, don't let anyone crack your shell. Even if you are soft on the inside. Don't show others that you hurt. It shows weakness and gives them something to use against you. The instant they see that weakness they will use it against you and  in the end you will regret it. This is the concept that I have had most of my life.

I am not to sure how to verbalize my confusion, feeling of being overwhelmed and being lost. So sometimes it's easier to type it out here even if no one sees it. Sometimes I feel like I am falling and no one is there to catch me. Sometimes I feel like I am just floating through life and there is no real purpose.

The problems of life feel overwhelming to me. I think I am getting one part of my life under control and BAM something else happens. It may not be much and I know others have worse problems. I set standards to high for myself for my school, for example. I have at least a B in all my classes but I think, "You should be able to do better then that." My house is never clean enough for me. I never have enough time to just spend with my kids with everything else I have to do. I feel like Im speeding through life and I am not getting anywhere. There is this invisible wall that I keep bumping into and I cant break it down.

This part may be confusing to follow...Then sometimes life has not just speed bumps but mountains that you just cant seem to figure out how to climb. I had a bad night Tuesday. I am not sure I want to go into too much detail. Maybe this comes back to 'me not letting my shell break'. All I know is that this situation makes me feel helpless. I don't know how to help or where to go from here. This situation has been in the back of my head for a few years now, and it has been brought back to the front again. And I am not sure if I can push it to the back anymore. How can I be ok with this? How can I help when help is not wanted? Am I not doing enough or not saying the right things? How can I not be selfish somewhat... Why am I not good enough to stay around? In the end, all I know is. I will not be better off, I will be worse.

With all this being said... What will I do? Well, I will go get dressed, pick up my daughter from school, clean, and do laundry and homework like any other day. I let my hardness on the outside down a little to write this, but it is going right back up. And when you look at me you will not know that I hurt badly on the inside. And when I talk to you, my response will be I am ok. Even though on the inside I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff and I am made of glass. I will NOT fall apart. I WILL hold it together and accept that some things I have no control over. 

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."

http://youtu.be/pnHpeF1RPgI