Starting over

So I am sick of this. Something just finally kicked into gear with me. I am determined to lose some of this weight and get myself back into shape. I know I will never be in the shape I was in when I was younger but I can get darn close if I actually stick to my goal.

I was looking through pictures and I came across a few that make me even more determined.

This was 10 years ago

This was almost 7 years ago

This was somewhere between 7-6 years ago

This was about 7 months ago

This is from today

This is an idea of how much weight I have put on over the years. I was about 140 when I married Bobby and today I weighed myself today and I am at 178.2. My goal is to be down to at least 160 by July 29th. Hopefully I make it further then that. I am going to track how many miles I do on DailyMile.com. Also I am tracking my food intake on an app on my phone. I figure the only way to hold myself responsible for working out and eating is by tracking it. Now I am going to put the kids down for a nap and throw on some workout clothes and get to work.

Lost

Stay hard on the outside, don't let anyone crack your shell. Even if you are soft on the inside. Don't show others that you hurt. It shows weakness and gives them something to use against you. The instant they see that weakness they will use it against you and  in the end you will regret it. This is the concept that I have had most of my life.

I am not to sure how to verbalize my confusion, feeling of being overwhelmed and being lost. So sometimes it's easier to type it out here even if no one sees it. Sometimes I feel like I am falling and no one is there to catch me. Sometimes I feel like I am just floating through life and there is no real purpose.

The problems of life feel overwhelming to me. I think I am getting one part of my life under control and BAM something else happens. It may not be much and I know others have worse problems. I set standards to high for myself for my school, for example. I have at least a B in all my classes but I think, "You should be able to do better then that." My house is never clean enough for me. I never have enough time to just spend with my kids with everything else I have to do. I feel like Im speeding through life and I am not getting anywhere. There is this invisible wall that I keep bumping into and I cant break it down.

This part may be confusing to follow...Then sometimes life has not just speed bumps but mountains that you just cant seem to figure out how to climb. I had a bad night Tuesday. I am not sure I want to go into too much detail. Maybe this comes back to 'me not letting my shell break'. All I know is that this situation makes me feel helpless. I don't know how to help or where to go from here. This situation has been in the back of my head for a few years now, and it has been brought back to the front again. And I am not sure if I can push it to the back anymore. How can I be ok with this? How can I help when help is not wanted? Am I not doing enough or not saying the right things? How can I not be selfish somewhat... Why am I not good enough to stay around? In the end, all I know is. I will not be better off, I will be worse.

With all this being said... What will I do? Well, I will go get dressed, pick up my daughter from school, clean, and do laundry and homework like any other day. I let my hardness on the outside down a little to write this, but it is going right back up. And when you look at me you will not know that I hurt badly on the inside. And when I talk to you, my response will be I am ok. Even though on the inside I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff and I am made of glass. I will NOT fall apart. I WILL hold it together and accept that some things I have no control over. 

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."

http://youtu.be/pnHpeF1RPgI

 

New Year New Choices

I am realizing that there are certain things that need to change in my life. My focus on the path ahead has strayed and I need to get back on the right one. Its not like I took the path to the left instead of the path to the right. I have just wandered off the right path a little. January brings the new year and the resolutions that come along with new years. I do not necessarily believe in making resolutions. Mainly because I usually do not keep them. Why make them if I can not keep them? Instead what I did was make a few decisions before the new year. It may sound stupid, but it was my way of making a change without the pressure and let down of a resolution on New Years Day. So here are a few of the choices I have made...


I am going to focus on my nursing degree and school more. I have been in college for just over a year now. I am up to 38 credits. While yes I have done pretty good in my courses so far(my GPA is 3.74), I still need to focus more. I was settling for my Associates degree but now I am looking into getting a Bbaccalaureate degree in nursing now. If I am going to do this, I suppose I should just go for the gold! I am looking forward to starting this semester. Learning things that will directly apply to my future career is what I am looking forward to the most. Having my application into the nursing program felt exhilarating to me! I feel like it is more official now. Now to wait for the letter letting me know when I get to join the program.


I am going to focus on my family more. While yes it is fun to go out to the bar every so often, get my drink on, hang with friends. My family needs to come first more often. Now this is not a choice to quit drinking altogether. It is not a choice to never go out or hang with friends. Its a choice to spend more quality time with my family. I started getting out of hand for a while last year. Going out, having people over and drinking 4-5 times a week. We cant afford that anymore anyway. And I feel it is just time to slow the pace down a bit. Now with that all said, I am a stay at home mother who goes to college full time, OF COURSE I will need some time to be alone or out. A night to have a few glasses of wine. But I do not need to be a wino. Just saying.


I am going to be better about cooking meals and saving money.  Cutting coupons on sundays, shopping where the deals are(if they are worth it) and saving on gas hopefully by shopping at Giant Eagle. I have been pretty good about cooking lately. I just have to keep at it.


I never expected life to be easy after losing my job. I just think I didnt realize quite how rough it would actually be. I know we will survive, but to survive a few things need to change and the above choices will help us survive. It is coming up on a year since I lost my job. Yes we are further in debt, but we are surviving. Yes I have wanted to shoot myself, but I am still alive. Losing my job and the events of last year have just made me realize "It is a New Year and it is time for New Choices".