Changes

It is Fall. I love this season. Why? Well the easy answer would be-Because it is not to cold and not to hot. The trees are beautiful. The leaves of all different colors, red, yellowish bronze, green, purplish red. The fun the kids have playing in the leaves. The family time during Thanksgiving and all those other dinners and gatherings. The fun the kids have when dressing up in their costumes and saying "Trick or Treat". Now for the more complex answer- I was out for a drive. The freshly paved road and the beautiful trees lining the road. The breeze was just light enough that all the leaves were lightly falling and floating as I drove down the road.
In some ways I feel like my life and just me in general is alot like the seasons changing. Particularly Fall.  I am an emotional person and I have been known to have the occasional heart to heart. Not everything is as easily expressed through normal conversation though. Watching those leaves fall that day "clicked" with me though. Life right now feels like it is changing so much. Losing my job, and I am gaining weight back that I had lost, I am going to be taking one of the most important tests of my life in less than 2 months. If a tree can change its leaves, so can I right? Every year they change color and fall off and then sprout new ones the following year. Im trying so hard to make sure I sprout new ones. I dont want to have everything fall off and then have the winter just kill me.There are just certain things and pictures that connect with how I feel sometimes.

This one if you can understand, shows how I have felt for about a year now

I hope you are following my metaphors here. I try to keep in mind that there is always someone out there that has a worse situation and that I shouldnt complain. I feel like life at any moment could just fall apart. My family is the only thing that keeps me grounded sometimes. People joke about how much I change my hair. In some way I think it is just me trying to figure out who I am. I know I cant find that in a box of hair dye. I am 27 years old, and still dont know who I am. So now begins the process of finding that answer.

I am a mother

I am a wife

I am a daughter

Thats alot to be, and I love being all those things. But sometimes I feel like there is no "Just me", if that makes sense. And I suppose that all those roles and a few others make up who I am.  So to work on the above mentioned process I will work on looking on the bright side. I will stop sitting back and letting things just happen. I will ask the tough questions even if I dont want to hear the answer. I will not give up on school, because getting a degree will prove to me that I AM someone. By getting that degree I will prove that I am a determined, hard working, smart woman. That being said and now that I have rambled long enough, I need to go feed my son and do some homework.

The Wanderer

   1 year ago today my grandpa(John S. Westlake) passed away. When he passed it was very hard on all of my family. He was a stubborn, smart, hard working, and caring man. I have been through many other deaths in my family, but this one was the hardest on me. I started drinking alot and had to see a psychologist. I was off work for a month.
   It was a roller coaster ride in the end with my grandpa. One day it would seem like he was not as sick as they would say he was, the next day he did seem as sick as they said he was. He wanted to die at home. So Hospice was brought in so they could care for him through his last days. I was lucky enough to be there for his last day. I was supposed to work but someone asked for a trade and I did it, which gave me this day off a year ago. I wrote a eulogy for him before he died, since we knew the time was coming. I wanted to read it to him before he passed. Im not sure how much he heard of it, because he was coming in and out of consciousness. Of course I know that he heard it when I read it at his calling hours though. 
   I was there when he passed and I was there to help plan his service. I was even given a say in things that most grandchildren do not have a say in when it comes to the service. That was one of the hardest things to go through. Walking into a room and picking such things as what urn he will be placed in, what the paper would say,  and walking through a room full of caskets. There are 2 moments that will be burned into my head forever. The 1st is when the funeral home came to the house to pick him up and I watched him carried down the steps I used to play on as a kid and him and my grandma and parents would be talking up on the porch. Here I am watching him from the porch being taken away from me forever. And the 2nd moment is one I was not prepared for. My grandpa was in the Navy, as was 2 of my uncles. We all assumed they would carry him out of the funeral home in his casket. No.... we were wrong. My grandpa was instead wheeled out in a cardboard box to be taken to be cremated. 
   Those memories of course are low on the memory scale compared to the wonderful ones I have of him. I remember taking long drives with him. Always taking the scenic route even if it was 2 hours longer. Arguing with him just because we both loved to irritate each other. Him and my grandma coming over to video tape and watch us open our Christmas presents. Taking trips to Virginia. I would lay in the back of the van while he played his music. And that was where I was introduced to "The Wanderer". That to me was always me and my grandpa's song. I still love it to this day. I requested it be on my play list at Bobby and I's wedding. My grandpa and I danced to it at the wedding and Im thankful that the dance was taped. So for years to come I can watch the video and relive that moment.
   Most of the family was there the day he passed, and more came in the following days. That day though was the last day I felt like a family with that part of my family. My family is nothing without all the drama I suppose. A fight happened the day my grandpa was cremated. Emotions were in over-drive that week and especially that day. The fight ended in the family separating. My mom, dad, and me were now the outcasts. It felt that when grandpa died that the connection to the rest of the family died too. (Background: Grandpa had 5 kids already when he married my grandma. They then had 2 more kids together.  My mom is one of the original 5) So the 2 kids and my grandma were no longer connected to us since grandpa was gone. I have still not talked to my 2 uncles since the funeral. I have tried to text one of them and he never answers me. I saw my grandma a week after  he passed and that visit did not go well at all. I saw her finally about a week ago. Things were better but still felt strained. 
  Things will never be the same again and Im slowly accepting that. I miss him and I miss the times we had together. The stuffed dog I gave him when he was in the hospital still sits on my night stand to this day. It may stay there forever or one day I will be ok with putting it away. All I know is I will never be ok with losing him, because I lost more then just him that day. I love you and miss you grandpa. I know you are still watching and guiding. I will make you proud even if it kills me or drives me further in debt. Ill see you again some day. 

Transition

I saw a friend post a blog and thought maybe this would help me. I used to do this on MySpace and then stopped. I was layed off back in February. So it is coming up on 6 months that I have been out of work. This is new to me. I have been working since I was around 15, and have not stopped since, other then having my children and taking maternity leave. I had mixed feelings about not working. I mean I gave 7 years of my life to this job and they were throwing me away like I meant nothing. That pushed me into going to school full-time. I am currently pursuing an Associate Degree in Nursing. I have been able to spend more time with my kids, which is wonderful and crazy all at once. I thought when I was layed off I would have all the free time in the world. Reality is, my yard looks worse then it did when I was working full-time and I spend time with my kids in between studying. Now You can look at me like Im mean when I say some of my thoughts, but I guarantee there are people out there that wont admit they agree with me. I was a full-time working mom since before myt kids were born. So I missed a few things, which I regret. Now that I am home.... I love my kids with all my heart but sometimes I wish I could lock myself in a padded sound proof room and just sit there. There are days when it is wonderful.. We play outside, we go for a walk, eat lunch, take naps.. an all around wonderful day. Then there are days where Cassie throws a fit because I wont let her change her outfit for the 4th time, Joey is mad because I apparently did not do something the exact way he wanted me to do it, they do not take naps, and by the end of the day all I can think about is "Is it bed time yet?" . I of course would not change anything and love my kids even with all their little quirks. All I am saying is, it is a definite adjustment to go from a full-time working mom to a full-time student/stay at home mom. This may be boring to many people but I think this may help me vent and share as I go through a bumpy road in my life.